Just When You Feel You've Almost Drowned
by Halawen
Summary: Since DeGrassi seems to be stuck in a Mobius strip of plots I thought I would tell the rape story from a different angle with the the guy being the victim because male rape does happen. Zig is raped by Zoe, he's never heard of male rape and starts to self-destruct but before he does finds allies in Clare and Owen. This one shot contains trigger warnings.


**I own nothing but the idea.**

_**If you like Zoe I don't recommend reading this story, if you like her and you read it anyway don't get mad at me because she's the bad guy.**_

_**TRIGGER WARNINGS!**_

_**This story deals with sexual assault and male rape I do not condone either of these things and these may be hard topics for some readers.**_

**Important to know for this one shot:**

***Takes place during the beginning of season 13 just after the dance **

*** Alli graduated so did Imogen but Dallas failed as did Drew **

***Bianca and Drew are still engaged and Drew never did anything at all with Zoe including going to the dance**

***Eli cheated and Clare and Clare dumped him for Owen just before school started ~ Clare still had cancer but was in remission a few weeks earlier than in the show**

***Adam did not die and is social chair on student council**

***Owen graduated but goes to U of T and is around often because all his friends are still there**

**Just When You Feel You've Almost Drowned**

**(ZIG)**

I got off the bus and walked into the school, I hadn't slept last night after what happened and I felt dirty, so incredibly dirty like I could never get clean if I showered for a year. It had to be my fault somehow, how else could it have happened? I didn't want to, I told Zoe no but I'd never heard of a guy being raped. She had asked me to come over and study last night, I actually felt kind of bad for her and we both hated Miles. Then I got there and she tied me to the bed, said we were going to make out and she liked being in control because she had so many other people always telling her what to do. It was kind of exciting at first, letting the girl be in control. Not so exciting when she got my pants and boxers down, got me hard and took out the condom. Everything I'd been told or heard, or even experienced until last night was that a guy always wanted it and was always thinking about sex. I mean it was true right? I got horny last night, I had an erection so I must have been horny right, I even liked being tied to the bed at first but when Zoe wouldn't stop it just became scary. I wanted her to stop, I wanted to be untied, I didn't even want to have sex anymore but I had no control and I didn't feel horny anymore but my body still responded to the things she was doing and I was still hard. I would try and think about other things and not be horny, try to get myself down but Zoe kept touching me and getting me hard again. Zoe did what she wanted and when she was done she untied me and I got out of there, getting dressed and running out of her house and all the way home.

Now I was walking into school with my head down, I didn't want to see anybody and I didn't want anybody to see me either. I just wanted to vanish, to disappear so no one would ever know what happened and I'd never have to face Zoe or anyone ever again. Maybe I should just stop going to school, I doubt Mom would even notice.

"Hey Zig," Maya says in her usual cheery voice which is not something I don't want to hear right now. "How was studying with the queen of evil last night?" Maya questions.

"Just leave me alone Maya," I respond slamming my locker and storming away.

"Zig what's going on?" Maya calls after me.

"Dude what's your problem?!" Tris questions appearing in front of me.

"Everyone leave me alone," I growl pushing Tris away from me.

I run down the hall and into the prop room, shutting the door and walking back to the sofa where Dallas and some of the hockey team used to drink beers last year. I lie down on the sofa but suddenly it feels like Zoe is on top of me and I leap up pacing back and forth in the room. I do it all morning, I hear the bells ring for first and second period and then lunch, I'm still in there when the bell rings for third period but I can't go to class I don't want to see Zoe and no matter how I try I can't stop thinking about her or last night. The memories won't leave my mind and I just feel more and more dirty, less and less human and angrier with every passing minute.

"Zig? What are you doing in here?" It's Clare's voice; I didn't even hear her come in.

"Just leave me alone," I snap at her.

"Why are skipping classes in the storage room? Are you okay?" She questions coming over and putting her hand on my arm.

I know that it's Clare's hand on my shoulder but that's not what I feel, I feel Zoe and everything from last night comes back twice as strong. The anger, humiliation and guilt all bubble up and boil over exploding onto Clare who did nothing but ask if I was okay.

"STAY AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I holler at her slapping her arm away and pushing her away from me. I push her with such force that she falls back hitting one of the shelves, I hear her yelp ow but I don't look at her just run out. I run home, into the stock room at our store and take a bottle of dark liquor from the shelf without even looking at it. I hide it in my backpack and go to the alley behind our apartment building, walking a few blocks in the back alleys until I come to an empty lot with a for sale sign on it. I sit down leaning against a tree and take out the bottle, the label says it's rum, it's really strong but kind of sweet. I guzzle it down and start to go numb, my body and my brain both, I feel happy but angry and sort of go between laughing and yelling to the air that Zoe's a bitch. By early evening I've gone through the entire bottle and I can't see straight, I get up and start stumbling through the streets and back alleys again but I'm going away from my house. I just want to be away, run to nowhere and stay there and maybe run away from this feeling that won't go away.

**(CLARE)**

"Ow how'd you do this?" Drew inquires pulling the back of my shirt down a little to expose the rather large bruise I got after Zig pushed me during third period.

"When I went to the storage room on my free period Zig was in there and he seemed upset. I asked him if he was okay and he just flipped out, yelled at me, pushed me and ran out," I explain to Drew just as Adam walks into the student council office for the student council meeting.

"Zig pushed you? Why?" Adam inquires.

"I don't know, something was wrong but he just ran out. I asked Maya and Tris what was wrong with Zig and they didn't know," I tell them.

"Well he gave you a nasty bruise when he pushed you, Dallas and I can have chat with him tomorrow about how to treat a lady," Drew offers just as Dallas walks in and grins even though he has no clue what's going on.

"Yeah like either of you know how to treat a lady," Adam teases and they both glower at him.

"It's fine, he was upset I really don't think he meant to hurt me," I insist.

Jenna and Connor come in and I call the meeting to order, student council lasts a little over an hour and no one brings Zig up again. When the meeting is done and we've all packed up our stuff we walk out together and I lock up the student council office. I wave to Jenna and Connor who walk toward Simpson's office; Jenna's going to Connor's place to do homework. When Drew, Adam, Dallas and I walk out the front door Owen is waiting in his car for me. Dumping Eli's cheating ass for Owen at the end of the summer was the best decision I've ever made. I never in a million years thought I'd fall in love with Owen but I am head over heels in love with him.

"Hey Owen," Drew and Dallas call at the same time and Owen waves.

"We should hang out this weekend," Drew tells him.

"Cool," Owen smiles as I get in the car, "hey Gorgeous," he grins before taking my lips.

"Hi how was school?" I query as he starts driving to his apartment.

"Not bad, how was your day and where'd the bruise on your back come from?" Owen inquires.

"My day was fine, Zig pushed me, he was upset about something and pushed me as he ran out of the storage room where I found him pacing and upset," I enlighten my boyfriend. Owen tenses up and makes an angry scowl, his eyes narrowing like he wants to hit someone. "Owen I'm fine I'm sure Zig didn't mean to hurt me, something was bothering him. Tris and Maya said he yelled at them too but they don't know why he was upset either," I tell Owen putting my hand on his arm. He takes the scowl off his face but doesn't relax very much.

He has relaxed by the time we get to his apartment though, we go upstairs and make dinner together, then we sit down at his little table by the window and start eating. We're making small talk about what we should do with the Torres brothers and Dallas this weekend. It's Friday night and most everyone is at the hockey game right now but none of us have any weekend plans. Owen's saying we should go hiking when something out the window catches my eye, it's Zig, he's stumbling around and looks drunk. Owen is still talking but I get up from the table and run out to get Zig, I'm worried he's going to get hurt, especially because he can barely walk.

"Clare where are you going?!" Owen calls after me as he follows me out. He's much faster than me and quickly catches up to me. "Clare where are you going?"

"Zig is outside, I think he's drunk, he's going to get hurt," I tell Owen. He doesn't say anything else but he does follow me outside, we run across the street and over to Zig. "Zig stop; are you drunk what is wrong?" I ask him.

He mumbles something incoherent, stumbles a couple steps and sort of swings at me but Owen steps in between us, not that Zig could have hit me he's so drunk. And then Zig passes out, Owen catches him and tosses him over his shoulder.

"I'll call Tris and get his parents number so they can come get him," Owen says as we start walking back to his apartment.

"Don't let him sleep it off at your place, something is very wrong Owen, his behavior is familiar, I've seen it before, been through some of it before and I think I might have half an idea of what's going on. I want to talk to him Owen, after he's slept it off," I assert.

"Alright fine I'll call Tris and ask him to tell Zig's mom that Zig's sleeping at my parent's house," Owen gives in.

When we get up to Owen's apartment he sets Zig on the sofa and then calls Tris. I text Mom that I'm at the hockey game and sleeping at Jenna's because she doesn't like me to sleep at Owen's even though she knows I'm not a virgin anymore.

"Tris is calling Zig's mom," Owen says as we sit down to finish dinner. Zig is dead to the world so I don't think we'll disturb him. "His behavior is because he's drunk, I've been drunk enough times to know," Owen remarks as we start eating.

"Yeah but getting drunk is a symptom of something else Owen. He's getting mad at his friends, lashing out at people he barely knows. He skipped school to get wasted, he's self-destructing, trying to escape," I point out.

"Okay but from what?" Owen asks after taking a big mouth full of food.

"I don't know from what but I've seen similar behavior before. When I was 12 my sister Darcy started acting a lot like Zig is, the breakdown in her behavior was a little slower but I still see the similarities. After she slit her wrists in the showers at school and was put on a suicide watch at the hospital we found out she'd been raped on the DeGrassi ski trip. She had been drugged and barely remembered it but after waking up next to her boyfriend thought she'd gotten drunk and had sex with him. When she did start to remember the rape is when she started behaving a lot like Zig. And then last year when I had my co-op," I begin and put my fork down because I don't want to eat while telling Owen this, "Asher my co-op mentor kissed me." Owen tenses up and starts growling but I'm not done yet, "he apologized and swore it would never happen again and then he tried to assault me in his car. I got away but he threatened my career if I ever told anyone, for a long time Alli was the only that knew. I pushed Adam away and Eli, I drank beer with Dallas and then he kissed me after I told him. I got angry and wrote that article about the team, I didn't care who I hurt I was just imploding. I finally told Eli at my birthday party after Dallas and the other guys on the team had wrecked it. I wanted revenge on Asher and I wasn't thinking, Eli told Miss Oh and I was confronted by her and my mom which only made me angry. No one believed me, I felt so alone and I almost did something really stupid and damaging to myself just to get Asher to pay. I was at the Interpreter building and ready to do that stupid thing and I stopped myself. I also met a past intern who now worked there and she said when she was intern Asher assaulted her too."

"So what happened to this Asher prick?" Owen questions in a vengeful voice.

"Nothing, we went to the cops and told our story but the statute of limitations had run out on her case and there was no evidence for mine. It was all my word against his; there were tweets and e-mails from me about how I was so excited to work with the great Asher Shostak. After he tried to assault me in his car he went to his boss and told her I had been coming onto him which was filed as official record so my case got thrown out," I inform Owen and he slams his fist down on the table which makes me jump.

"That fucking asshole pedophile I'll make him pay for ever touching you!" Owen snarls loudly but even this doesn't wake up Zig.

"Owen we weren't even dating then and besides there's nothing you can do," I respond.

"I don't care if we weren't dating then he touched you and I'm going to kill him," Owen states.

I get from the table and go over to him, leaning down and kissing his lips softly. "No you won't I will not have you arrested for assault trying to get vengeance. Let's clean up and go watch movies in your room," I tell him pulling his hand to get him to stand up.

We clean up from dinner, Owen puts an empty waste basket on the floor next to Zig and I take off his shoes covering him with a blanket. Then Owen and I go into his room watching movies on his laptop until we fall asleep.

**(ZIG)**

I wake up when I feel like throwing up, my eyes open and I see a trash can next to me; I grab it just in time to vomit up everything in my stomach. I still feel like hell when I'm done, my head is pounding and my stomach churning. Sitting up and looking around I have no clue where I am and don't remember much from last night after drinking the rum. I'm in a small apartment that a guy lives in a lone I'm guessing given the large TV across from me and video game system but lack of decorations on the wall. I do see flowers and a few other touches that show a woman is here a lot though. I feel like I need to throw up again so I stand up and see a washroom next to the kitchen, I take the trashcan with me and after throwing up again I wash out the trashcan, put it back by the sofa and try to leave the apartment but the bedroom door opens and I look back. Clare comes out, she obviously just woke up, she's wearing nothing but Owen's football jersey, I know because I remember his number from last year. It occurs to me that I'm probably in Owen's apartment because I know Clare is dating Owen.

"Where do you think you're going?" Clare questions.

"Home to sleep for a year," I reply.

"Zig you need to tell us what's wrong," she says in a voice that's almost pleading.

"I don't have to tell you anything," I snap back at her.

"Hey settle down we're just trying to help," Owen tells me in a stern voice then looks at Clare and gives her a disapproving look for still being in nothing but what she slept in even though he's only wearing jeans. Owen kisses her and whispers something to her which I'm guessing was get dressed since Clare goes back into the bedroom. "Sit down I'll make you some coffee," Owen orders in a voice that tells me I need to listen.

I sit back on the sofa in a huff and cross my arms while Owen starts some coffee, he goes back into the bedroom and comes out with a shirt on. Clare comes out a few minutes later fully dressed in what she was wearing yesterday which means she hadn't planned on spending the night. Owen gives me black coffee to drink and they make themselves breakfast.

"Okay Novak spill what's going and why were you drunk last night?" Owen asks me.

"I went to Zoe's house Thursday night, she told me we were going to study for a quiz we had on Friday. But then she started kissing me and tied my wrists to her bed," I tell them.

"Hot," Owen comments.

"Shush Owen," Clare scolds and looks at me, "go ahead Zig."

"It was fun and exciting at first, but she tied my other wrist and I told her to stop and she wouldn't. She got my pants and boxers down, put a condom on me and we had sex. It's not like I was virgin I had been having sex with Tori but this was different, it felt different. I didn't want to but Zoe wouldn't stop and as much I didn't want to part of me liked it, I was still stimulated and everything. I just couldn't face her at school or my friends or anyone else. It had to be my fault; I mean I must have wanted it right? I'm always thinking about sex, it's what guys do and I climaxed, I must have wanted it."

"Zig it wasn't your fault, if you told her no and she wouldn't stop that's rape," Clare tells me and I look at her like she's gone crazy.

"No way, a guy can't be raped," Owen voices what I'm thinking.

"Yes they can, guys can be raped just like a girl. If you said no and Zoe didn't stop then it's rape," Clare asserts.

"But I got stimulated, I came," I stutter over my words.

"It doesn't matter Zig, your body will react to stimulus whether you want it to or not and it doesn't mean you were turned on either. You were raped and it wasn't your fault, knowing what little I do know about Zoe I'm sure she planned it or had some ulterior motive behind getting you to her house. You should press charges," Clare tells me.

"No, no way I couldn't do that. Tell the cops I had sex with a girl but didn't really want to they'd never believe me. Even if they did no one else would, I didn't even want to tell you guys but I'm scared of Owen. I don't want anyone else to know," I tell her.

Clare's biting her lip and looks like she might cry and I worry that I said something to upset her. Owen takes her hand, kisses her cheek and whispers something in her ear, he seems to whisper to her a lot, Clare nods and looks back at me.

"We can't force you to tell anyone but you have to find a way of dealing with it that doesn't lead to you self-destructing. That means talking to us or seeing a counselor. I mean it Zig and I know from experience you can't just keep it inside and hope to avoid it," Clare asserts.

I nod a little but don't say anything; I don't really know what to say. We hang out at Owen's apartment for the day but when Drew calls Owen inviting them to a party I have Owen drop me off at home. Honestly it feels weird to be home, I can't look my parents in the eye, I still feel dirty and don't want my little brother anywhere around me and just before bed I pick a fight with my Mom for no reason which my Dad then grounds for. It's too quiet in my room and I start thinking about Zoe again, about what happened, even what Clare said and I feel like I'm going to explode. I sneak out of my room and call Clare, she and Owen both gave me their numbers before they dropped me at home.

"I can't be home I just feel mad at everyone," I tell her.

"Okay we'll come get you, where are you now?" Clare asks.

"Walking from my place," I reply.

"Go to the diner on the corner we'll pick you up there, just stay there until we pick you up," Clare insists.

"Yeah okay, see you in a bit," I say and hang up.

I get to the diner and wait for them outside, I get in the back of Owen's car when they pull up and we go back to Owen's apartment. Owen puts on a movie and Clare pulls up a website with stories from other guys like me that have been raped. There's dozens of stories, guys older than me, younger than me, around my age. It actually does help to see that I'm not the only guy that's been through this. Some of the stories are a lot worse than mine and a lot of these guys thought they were all alone too and male rape wasn't a thing, they blame themselves like I did, got mad at everybody, pushed their friends away just like me. Some of them talk about hurting themselves or people they care about when trying to deal, a few of them attempted or at least thought about suicide. Out of the dozens of stories only three pressed charges and all three of them lost. The site said almost 5% of reported rapes are from males and only 40% of rapes and sexual assaults are estimated to be reported. It's funny but reading all this does help, I feel sort of better in a way but mostly I don't feel as angry. Some of the stories make me feel sick and most of them are male on male rapes and not female on male but it still helps and the ones that do have a female assailant sound a lot like my story.

Owen lets me crash on the sofa again and Clare sleeps over again too. When Mom calls the next day to yell at me for sneaking out I yell back at her and then Dad takes the phone and tells me to not bother coming home and I break down again. I start to get angry again, feel like running, like my family hates me but Owen and Clare calm me down. Owen says he'll talk to his parents and I can probably move into Owen's old room. Owen calls his parents and they invite us all to dinner that night, Owen and Clare both promise not to say anything about the rape. I'm still pretty nervous when we reach the Milligan house; I've been here a few times usually hanging out with Tris and Tori or Tris and Maya. We go in and Tris is confused obviously, we all sit down to eat and Owen tells his parents I'm going through something and my parents kicked me out. He then asks his parents if I can move into his old room. After some discussion they agree and lay down the ground rules, simple things like I have to help out around the house, I have the same curfew as Tris; have to keep up my grades etc. I thank them and Owen comes back to his old room with me after dinner.

"There's one more thing you have to do if you're going to stay here," Owen tells me while we change the sheets on the bed. "You have to go to counseling, through the school or the rape crisis center it doesn't matter but you need to talk to someone. At the very least you need to talk to Clare every day because you can't be exploding at my parents like you were yours," Owen tells me.

"Yeah I will, the website had a number and an online chat with a therapist maybe I'll do that, I kind of like being anonymous when I talk about it," I tell Owen.

"As long as you're talking about it and not holding it in," Owen replies.

He and Clare leave after that since Clare has to get home, I borrow some pajama bottoms from Tris and start getting ready for bed.

"So what's really going on?" Tris asks when I go back to what's now my room and find him there.

"Let's just say Zoe did something bad and I never want to see her again but I don't want to talk about it," I reply.

Tris leaves it at that and leaves my room. I actually am able to get to sleep okay and even sleep through the night. I really don't want to go to school when I wake up the next morning and realize that it's Monday but Tris tells me it'll be okay. Owen shows up with Clare to drive us to school, however we stop at The Dot first and meet Maya, apparently Clare and Owen called her.

"Zig has been through something terrible, he doesn't want us to talk about it but it involves Zoe and she did something bad to him. Zig is going to need the support of his friends to get through this," Clare tells Maya.

"Of course you have our support Zig," Maya smiles and then kisses my cheek, I smile at her, I think it's the first time I've smiled at all since it happened.

Drew, Dallas and Adam come in The Dot while we're still there and Owen calls them over.

"Hey do me a favor and watch out for Zig," Owen tells them.

"Sure," Drew shrugs and they don't even ask any questions.

Owen kisses Clare and then we all walk to school together, I'm horrified to see Zoe on the steps and she's smiling at me. I try to ignore her and just walk into school with everyone but she saunters over to me.

"Hi Zig," she smiles draping her hand on my shoulder.

"Get away from me, don't touch me," I spit at her and shove her away.

"What's your problem?" Zoe responds in angry voice and I feel like hitting her.

"You're my problem and what you did to me," I growl in a low voice.

"Did to you? You're joking right? You can't tell me you didn't want it," Zoe laughs and I raise my hand to hit her but Clare grabs my wrist.

"Zoe and Zig with me in the storage room right now," Clare says.

"Like I'm going anywhere with you," Zoe responds with her hand on her hip and Clare looks irate, her eyes narrowing at Zoe like daggers on a target.

"Listen to me you stuck up, has been TV trash princess, you will come with me right now or I'm going to drag you there while I rip out every strand of hair," Clare threatens and Zoe looks a little scared while everyone else is laughing. They all walk with us to the storage room but then leave us to talk, all but Drew who stands guard at the door. "You need to hear this Zoe and know what you did and you messed up Zig's life. You raped him Zoe and now he will never be the same," Clare tells Zoe and she scoffs.

"You can't rape a guy, he got horny, he wanted it," Zoe responds crossing her arms over her chest.

"A guy can be raped and they are raped. Zig got erect but that doesn't mean he wanted it, a guy can become erect for all kinds of reasons. They're bodies respond to stimulus like fear and anger and it can cause them to become erect. Zig said no it was rape and you will stay away from him and all his friends and remember how you hurt him for whatever your motive was to get him to your house. Every time you look at Zig remember what you did and what a terrible person you are," Clare tells Zoe who looks stunned and kind of angry.

"I didn't want it Zoe, I didn't want you and now I feel dirty, damaged and unfit to be with anyone else and you did that," I tell her and walk out with Clare leaving Zoe to think. "Is it ever going to feel better? Am I ever going to feel normal again?" I ask Clare as we walk down the hall with Drew.

"Time will make things easier and the support of your friends. You'll never feel normal as you knew it before but you'll find a new normal," she replies and while it's not exactly the answer I was hoping for it does make me feel better.

A few days ago I didn't even know guys could be the victim of rape and now I am one but at least I know I'm not alone and I have the support of my friends, old and new, to help get me to a new normal.


End file.
